Monday, January 19, 2009

I'm very responsible, when ever something goes wrong they always say I'm responsible

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But put him in a car and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window.

Sometimes life is like that, just plain weird.
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1 comment:

  1. BlueMarch 15, 2012 at 2:44 PM

    It's been a while since I last posted an update. Some very good things have happened in my life recently. My chilhood bully/tormentor/rapist etc died last month. I feel so much safer on this planet now on account of his death. I can't help but wonder how many more of his victims are left in this world of his? His death has dredged up many unhappy memories in my mind and memory. I suppose I will need to relive those events now so that I will be able to finally let them go.

    I wonder how many women my age are out there that were abused by a male family member as children and had to just learn to live with the abuse? As a very young child I was taught by my parents that my brothers were more valuable than I was merely because they were male. I was told I deserved the abuse and that I brought it upon myself. My oldest brother (the one that died last month) beat me up so badly when I was 11 years old that he shattered my nose and some of the bone fragments went into my sinus, some went into my cheek, and still others nearly took my eye out. He was 16 yrs old. That was 46 years ago and my memory is so vivid of that particular beating that it feels like it happened yesterday. It damaged me in many ways and I will carry the self esteem issues with me for the remainder of my life. I promised to keep these memories to myself until my mom passed away to spare her feelings. My mom is still living. I question why I felt the need to spare her feelings when it was painfully obvious that my feelings are meaningless to her?

    I have been plagued with nightmares for all of my adult life. They are always the same, and always end the same way. I have not had one since he died almost a month ago. I don't expect for them to go away right away, but am hoping they can now ease away as time passes.

    What is it that made it ok in my parents minds for him to abuse me like this? When he was raping me I had no idea what he was even doing. I actually thought he was peeing inside me to degrade me further after his beatings.

    I wonder how much if at all this chapter in my life may have affected me sexually speaking? I am a lesbian. Am I a lesbian because he caused me to not trust men? I do believe that I made myself morbidly obese after this because I did not want any man to ever want to rape me again. I realize now that that isn't what rape is about. I live a fear based life and totally believe that he caused this I wonder how much of his cruelty did he impose upon his daughter and grand daughter? His first wife passed away and then he quite literally bought a mail order bride from the Phillipines that was underage. Why do we allow old men (or any men) do things like this? Men are STILL trying to tell women how to live, even trying to control our birth control choices. And we, as women ALLOW them to do this?

    More soon. . . more good things have happened in my life. I do also need to mention that I have one brother that is still living. He never abused me and I totally love and respect him.

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